I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
