i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
