I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
