The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
