I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
