Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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