Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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