We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
