I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
