so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
