yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
