The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
