just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
