Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
