sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
