The maid of honor just puked.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
