i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
