Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
