So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
