just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
this is an emotional support booty call
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
