my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
