Swine flu. Run for my life!
i already hear my dad disowning me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
