Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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