did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
