i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
