apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
