this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
