Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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