Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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