When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
