Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
