I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
