I hope my margaritas pass through security.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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