I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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