tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
