i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
