The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
