Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
40s are totally the cure
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
