if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
