I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
