My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
