i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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