good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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