my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
