my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
