and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
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you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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