So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
