I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i dont even know how to be here
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
