Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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