There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
