Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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