I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I forget how to act sober
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
