dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
