don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
