i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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