I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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